Sunday, April 21, 2013

What the hell have you been doing?

So what the hell happened the past year?

Husband and I struggled financially as we attempted to find jobs. Or a job. Any job that kept us afloat. It was bad. It made me panic to the point where I was completely frozen; afraid to move, afraid to breath, afraid to leave my home.

I got some medication, to use only when I needed it. I used it, without shame, because it worked. And having it work was better than the immobilizing fear that trapped me in my own mind, in my own home. I thought once we moved my need for it would disappear. To my surprise, I continue to use it. Turns out moving from Wisconsin to Oklahoma is a tough transition, even when it’s for all the right reasons.

Husband got a job. A real job with a salary and benefits and a retirement plan. 

I also got a job. I do some actual paid writing, writing for legal blogs. So I guess that law degree wasn’t a big mistake after all. To be frank, the writing is very part time and very from the home. It has allowed me to experience the best of my children, while still bringing in a little extra income several times a month. It has fulfilled a dream I’ve had since I was old enough to write. A dream that one day I’d be paid to write. It satiated my need to write for someone, anyone, even if only in my little corner of the blogging universe.  I’m not sure why that’s changed.

We moved across the country for Husband’s job. Moving itself was a bizarre and ridiculous experience for all involved. People felt my wrath. I didn’t know I could wrath until that move. 

My children, my two little loves. I don’t think I can describe them by their age anymore. I have one in preschool and the other in 4K. It’s two confusing. We’ll just call them FW and CW. I hope that’s enough to prevent confusion while still respecting their privacy. FW is older, and currently in 4K. CW is younger, and currently in preschool. FW can read, and it fills my heart with joy. My entire world changed when I learned I could read. I hope her’s does too. CW marches to the beat of a different drummer. I did too. It made me brave. I hope it does the same for her.

And I no longer feel sadness that my fertility seems to be at an end. I have a beautiful little family and it is more than enough.

Where’s the funny?

Well, I’m pretty sure half a sleeping pill is lodged in my throat. 

Why return now?

Who knows. Part of me simply wants to chronicle my life experience, so that when my children and their children are grown, they can look back on all this and hopefully feel a little better about themselves. I’m not sure that makes sense. Then again, since when have I made sense? Let’s not rock the boat on this one. I’m sure it will all turn out in the end. It usually does.

It usually does.

So, hi.

It’s been nearly a year.

I’m not the same person. I had no idea I grew so much in a year. It must have happened while I was sleeping, or something. That’s when the best ideas come to my head. Except on evenings when I have terrible insomnia, evenings not unlike tonight. So basically I get ideas when I’m sleeping and also when I’m not sleeping. I’m kind of complicated like that.

This blog used to serve a purpose.

It was to help me let go of all the stupid things I did as a child.

It’s done that. I no longer look down on myself with utter embarrassment.

It was to come to terms with my bipolar depression.

It’s done that. Not only do I now accept my condition, but I’m comfortable telling just about anyone about it. Especially those close to me who had absolutely no idea, no idea because I lived far away, and in my emails and phone calls I masked. I was happy, happy, happy. Yes, I’m doing fine (turn the tables before they realize I’m drowning in my own mind), how are you? 

It was to discuss my parenting mistakes, whether serious or hilarious.

It’s done that. Or perhaps it’s doing that. I haven’t decided yet. Nevertheless, my children seem to be thriving. I haven’t done them in yet, so I guess I can continue on the current trajectory with all its ups and downs.