Wednesday, July 27, 2011

This Is The Next Chucky. I Think.

Last Christmas we bought Preschooler this beautiful Belle doll.  It’s much larger than a regular Barbie doll, with posable limbs, plus she sings.  At least, she sings in the store.

La-la-la-la-la-la. I’m-a-giant-rip-off.
La-la-la-la-la-la. Beauty-And-The-Beast.

The singing was really the selling point.  She had a sensor on her hand, and when you touch it she belts out one of several songs.  AWESOME!! I thought.  ANOTHER LOUD ANNOYING TOY TO ADD TO OUR COLLECTION! Keep in mind this was the same Christmas I gifted my children with a toy drum set, including maracas, jingle bells, and a tambourine.

Sometimes I have no parenting common sense.

On Christmas Eve Preschooler and I were both on pins and needles.  Having throughly examined the Santa theory, Preschooler determined the best way to examine this hypothesis was to actually GO TO SLEEP.  I was anticipating the morning, when she would open up this toy and forever remember this Christmas as the best Christmas ever, thus garnering me with another feather in my best mother ever hat.

MOM OF THE YEAR.

Christmas morning dawned and Preschooler opened her presents, including Giant Belle.  We take her out of the box, and I touched the sensor on Belle’s hand, expecting nothing short of an operatic miracle.

Nothing happens.

Preschooler didn’t really care.  By some stroke of accidental genius, I never told her the doll was supposed to sing. Over the next six months Belle did the usual tour-of-duty in Preschooler’s playtime routine.  But after a while, we noticed something odd. 

Belle’s head started to default to “backwards.”  Even if you put the head face forward at the beginning of the day, within several hours the head will slowly rotate backwards, remaining in that position forevermore.  It’s like the doll is possessed by some sort of half-assed demon.

So one afternoon, Preschooler was in the living room playing with her demonic Belle doll, whose head had already twisted backwards.  Out of nowhere, Belle engages in an unprecedented act and starts singing.

Preschooler was utterly agog.  For her it was as if an angel came down from the heavens and anointed her doll with the gift of voice.

To me it was as if this doll’s demonic possession was complete.

“Honey, look!” I say. “She sings when you press her hand!”

Preschooler was ecstatic.  She pressed Belle’s hand a couple more times just to witness the miracle once more.

Then she tossed Belle aside, moving on to a different toy. Nary a sound issued from her creepy head since.

So, next Christmas I’m making a concerted effort to buy toys that make no noise whatsoever.

I guess I’m a slow learner.

15 comments:

jacqui said...

That would totally freak me out. I'm already scared of some dolls...I don't need their head twisting around and unexpected noises coming out of them. I'm glad you learned your lesson.

Marianna Annadanna said...

A few months ago I got a friggin creepy mini Hansel (of Grettle) doll with my Happy Meal.

It has blinking eyes and all its limbs twist around upsidedown and backwards. And its head rotates. And it's body rotates. IN A HAPPY MEAL.

Now it lives on my desk as mangled as possible. To remind me that not even Happy Meals are always happy.

Betty Fokker said...

Take the doll to church and dip it in holy water to see if it starts to burn. Video tape it on your cell phone, just in case, because that would make and awesome blog!

WTF? My word verification is "toxin". That's just creepy.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@jacqui - I have issues with porcelain dolls - the kinds with the detachable wigs and glassy eyes. *shudder*

@Marianna - OMG, we have SEVERAL of those same happy meal toys. I wanted to throw them away when the kids weren't looking, but my husband said "NO! THEY'RE NOT THAT BAD!" So if those dolls murder us in our sleep, I'm placing the blame entirely on him.

@Betty - If I ever decide to "vlog" that will be my first post. Also - all the word verification portents lately probably just has something to do with demonic toy possession. If my kids start chanting "redrum" I'm going to go find a priest.

Laura said...

I would so buy a doll with a spinning head that spewed green pea soup. That would be awesome. Messy, but awesome.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Laura - Belle hasn't started to spew green vomit. Not yet, anyways.

Ixy said...

Some of Sasha's toys will randomly start singing to themselves in her toy box - not cool. And those porcelain dolls are seriously creepy!

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

Ixy - Yes! All these electronic toys will randomly start making noise from time to time.

Mama Zen said...

We had the Sleeping Beauty . . . with about the same degree of success!

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Mama Zen - Oh, well! I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be DISAPPOINTED a toy DIDN'T make noise.

Lizbeth said...

Ohhh, must remember NOT to get that doll for Christmas!!! That thing creeps me out and its not even mine.

Kristen said...

I would've pissed myself if I had been Preschooler.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Lizbeth - Yeah, I'm not sure what I was thinking. The posable limbs are pretty creepy in and of themselves.

@Kristen - I think pissing oneself is a totally valid reaction when your otherwise mute doll starts belting out show tunes.

chemgirl said...

when my nephews were little I bought them every loud, noisy and annoying toy on the market..

I know when I have kids, I'm in for some serious revenge from my sister.

karoppi said...

I've been a mom for 10 years, and I can tell you I've never learned my lesson to buy toys that DON'T EMIT SOUND. We had a firetruck that liked to turn on its siren randomly in the middle of the night.