My children are waging war, to ensure I never, ever finish a single phone call.
I think they're winning.
They will be playing quietly by themselves. They will be neither poopy nor wet. They will both recently have been fed. They do not need naps. There is nothing they could possibly need from me for the next five minutes.
Then I will have the audacity to try to make a phone call. The call will go something like this:
Me: Hello, I need to make an appointment to...
Toddler: Mommy? What’s that? What are you doing?
Me (to toddler): Shhhh... I’m trying to make a phone call.
Me (to receptionist): Sorry about that, I need to make an appointment to see Dr. ...
Toddler: Let’s play hide-and-seek! I want to play hide-and-seek!
Me (to toddler): Not right now...
Me (to receptionist): No, not you... IneedtomakeanappointmenttoseeDr.Gillman
Receptionist: What is your name?
Receptionist: How do you spell that?
Toddler: LET’S PLAY HIDE AND SEEK!!!!
Me: No, A-N-G...
Baby: Nu nu?
Me: Yes. A-N-G-E...
Baby: NU NU NU!
Me: Sorry! Yes, A-
Toddler: BABY CRYING!!! BABY CRYING!!!
Me: Look, can I call you back later?
I haven’t been able to make a complete phone call in months.
The other day I received a phone call from one of those robotic telemarketers, the kind where the phone call starts off with about 30 seconds of silence. Before I could even hang up, the torrent began:
Toddler: Mama? MAMA? MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA?
Baby: Blurg? BLURG? BLURG BLURG BLURG BLURG?
Toddler: Can I have a snack? I want a snack?
Me: Just a minute...
Toddler: Can I have a snack??? I want square crackers!
I hand her some Ritz crackers.
Toddler: No, SQUARE crackers!!
The robotic telemarketer hung up on me.
Even the robots know not to bother.