UPDATE: It's The End Of The Summer As We Know It

My favorite season of all is autumn, mostly because it heralds the end of summer’s scorching heat.

This is why I hate summer.

I absolutely wilt in the summer.  It's like my body does the opposite of surviving, as payment for my ongoing desire to DO THINGS. For example,  I fainted at least once during both of my pregnancies, each time in the zenith of summer.

I do believe I have the vapors.

Basically all I can do in the summer is stand around sweating, which sabotages my efforts to DO THINGS.

So now that the weather has cooled down for a little bit, I’m renewed with energy to DO THINGS.  I’m recommitted to keeping my house tidy.  I’m slowly and painfully teaching myself how to bake.  And now that it’s cooled to the 60’s, I’m dragging my kids outside to play every day.  I say “dragging” because despite the fact that it has finally cooled down a bit,  all they want to do is stay indoors and wrestle each other.

The stupid thing is, when it was 80+ degrees out, they wanted nothing but to play outside, while I sweated and shook an angry fist at the sun, a sun that mocked me mercilessly.  It doesn’t help that I have alabaster skin, so instead of tanning I just sort of pink.  

Still,the leaves are turning colors.  The cranes, ducks, and geese have gathered to flock. And even though the temperatures are still on the low 70’s, I feel justified in wearing long sleeves.

Hello, autumn. It has been too long.

UPDATE: I spoke too soon.  It will be unseasonably warm for the next 10 days.  Stupid karma.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted. Vacation, Have To Get Away!

So, I'm taking a leaf out of the Go-Go's book, and taking a vacation.  Actually, this will be our first "real" vacation since Toddler was born.  By "real" I mean we're going to places for fun, rather than traveling to visit relatives for Thanksgiving or Christmas, not that there's anything wrong with that.

We're spending a couple days in Minneapolis, then a few more days in a cabin in northern Minnesota, and then a few more days in northern Wisconsin with Husband's parents, which I still consider a vacation because Husband and I are ditching the kids at Grandma and Grandpa's, and going to a bed and breakfast.

This means I'll be ignoring my blog for the next seven day.  I may have patchy internet access during at least some of this vacation, anyways.  Hold me, I'm scared.

So, here are a couple of things to watch while in my.  Enjoy!

Muppets Sing "Danny Boy"


I'm a banana

When NOT To Let Your Babies Run Wild And Free

Over the weekend my mom hosted her annual 4th-of-July-fireworks-party-spectacular.  As part of the festivities my mom set up one of those kiddie swimming pools.  Now, Toddler is not yet potty-trained, and being the organized, prepared woman I am, I brought exactly ZERO swim diapers.

“Whatever,” I thought.  “I’ll keep her in a regular diaper with her swimsuit on.  She’ll just have a little extra junk-in-the-trunk.”

So into the pool she went.  She splashed, she laughed, it was a wonderful family summer experience.  And sure enough, her water-logged bottom swelled about 5 times its normal size.

After she had enough, I took her inside to dry her off, only to find her COVERED in small beads of silicone gel.

The diaper exploded. 

“What did you THINK would happen?!” exclaimed Husband when I told him of this predicament.

“I DON’T KNOW?!” I cried.  “We’ve accidentally laundered disposable diapers before, and they never exploded!  They just get really, REALLY, heavy!”

We hosed Toddler off, and sent her back outside to play in her swimsuit sans diaper.  She didn’t realize anything was amiss, although I’m pretty sure she peed on her grandfather’s lap.

The next day my sister came over with her kids, and being a responsible parent, she DID bring swim diapers.  Which I scoffed at.

“Whatever.  I’ll let my baby run wild and free,” I thought.  Husband, on the other hand, felt differently. So we put her in the swim diaper, which turned out to be the right call.  If we hadn’t, the pool would’ve had to be evacuated due to a turd and my poor parenting choices. 

Lesson learned: There is a reason they make special diapers for the pool.  This is not a difficult concept, unless you're me. I like to learn things the hard way.

P.S.:  Also, I’m THIS CLOSE to using cloth diapers should I ever have another infant.  The only problem with that is I’m chronically behind on my laundry, and don’t see myself as catching up any time soon. And while the obvious solution is to use a diaper cleaning service, in my neck of the woods that would cost more than disposable diapers, because they require you to "rent" fresh diapers of their choice each week.  In addition, which "yuk" factor is worse: laundering dirty diapers myself, or covering my baby's butt with diapers that (although they were cleaned) once resided on another baby's butt?  I await your learned, professional opinions with interest.

This post also appears at Cheesy Bloggers!

Life Is Too Short For Boring Summers

The older I get, the busier summers seem to get.  By June 21, my calendar is jammed with activities and obligations.  While this supplies me with a bevy of post ideas, it leaves me with little time to actually write these posts.

For example, here is what I have done with my summer so far:

• I went to the zoo twice AND angered a host of ancient spirits.  Multi-tasking is essential if you are to have a good summer.
• I DIDN'T take my kids to the beach. Apparently I also angered the ancient rain and sun gods.  I'm nothing if not consistent.
• I took my kids to a free splash pad (i.e. park with a bunch of sprinklers), and due to the fact that I wore regular clothes instead of a swimsuit, I got soaked chasing Toddler around.  On the other hand, no one had to see me in a swimsuit, which is really a favor for every one involved. YOU'RE WELCOME.
• I worked on some long overdue cleaning projects.  The top of our buffet is sort of a landing place for any sort of junk.  So I cleaned it off.  Then I loaded it up with more junk.  Then I cleaned it off again.  Now I have loaded it up with even more junk, so take a wild guess as to what I'll be doing tomorrow.
• I weaned my Toddler off the pacifier.  And by weaned I mean NOT weaned.  One cry and I fold like a deck of cards.  At this rate she'll be taking that thing to college.

And here's what I have yet to do this summer:

• Take my kids to the state fair, where they'll have their first encounter with toothless carnies and food-on-a-stick.  The memories will be treasured forever, I'M SURE. 
• Continue using an excessive amount of CAPITAL LETTERS in my posts.  I'm like the opposite of e.e. cummings.
• Take Preschooler to see her first movie, "Winnie-the-Pooh." Hopefully it won't provide her with a deep-seated fear of bears and Rasinets.
• Go on a family vacation to northern Minnesota and Wisconsin.  It will be just like the Griswolds but with more poop.  Note to self: buy water-wings. And Pepto-Bismol. And more wine.  Lots more wine.
• Teach Preschooler the difference between boys and girls.  She is VERY interested as of late, and she has no brothers.  This should be fun for every one involved.

So what are your summer vacation plans?  After all, I'm always looking for new ways to traumatize my children and myself. Life is too short to be bored.

This Is Why I’m Not Allowed To Write Articles For Cosmo

In honor of the fact that summer is a mere twenty days away, I'm offering up my top ten tips on staying safe and sane over the next 12 weeks.

1. If you are as pasty-white as I am, go ahead and use that extra-powerful SPF5 sunscreen.  Red is a good color on you.
2. Everyone looks good in a thong.  Even your grandparents. ESPECIALLY your grandparents.
3. When you go to the beach, don’t worry about the rain.  Just bring an extra-big beach umbrella.  If the rain turns into a lightning storm, go ahead and plant that giant umbrella under a tree.  You’ll be sure to stay dry.
4. Bottle rockets are always a good idea.
5. Alcohol + bottle rockets is a BETTER idea.
6. Wear flip-flops to work.  The sound of your shoes flapping on the floor as you travel to the mail room will only demonstrate how proactive you are.
7. Home-made potato salad tastes extra-delicious if you leave it in the sun for a few hours. Your guests will thank you.
8. Hold your next family reunion at a nude beach.  First case scenario, no one shows up out of sheer embarrassment.  Second case scenario, people drink a ton of beer in hopes of erasing the memory of this event, or at least going blind.  Either way, you win.
9. There’s no shame in wearing socks with sandals.
10. Crap!  You mean I have to think of one more thing?  I can’t work under all this pressure.  You’ll take your nine pieces of advice, and you’ll like them.

This post was inspired by Mama Kat’s writing prompt: Top 10 Summer Don’ts.

 I’m all outta ideas.

Yes, I know I actually wrote a list of summer Do’s.  I’m a rebel that way.