Now With More Foot-Grating Action!

I’ll admit, I don’t take very good care of my feet.  I paint my toenails a couple of times during the summer months, and that’s about it.  The rest of the year I say, “Screw it! My feet are hiding in socks, so who cares?”

I’m also the world’s laziest leg-shaver, but that’s neither here nor there.

But maybe I should start giving myself more pedicures with the aid of... PedEgg!

Oh look! A foot grater!

I’ll need to tread carefully, though.  Although I’ll no longer need to use my cheese grater to soften my feet, as the commercial suggests, the PedEgg saves my foot shavings for me.  That could incur some serious voodoo, seeing as so much of my DNA will be contained in one place.  And unless that voodoo involves me losing ten pounds and/or gaining the power of flight, I want nothing to do with it.

This is not an asset.  It’s a liability.  A voodoo liability.  

These things should come with warnings.

But wait a minute.... if I order from this site, I can receive a SECOND PedEgg, paying only shipping and handling!  This will come in handy, for as this second infomercial on their official website shows, the PedEgg can also be used to skin a tomato. Or is that an orange?  Whatever. It can also be used on balloons, which would be great for parties.

Look!  It’s multi-tasking!

So I guess there’s no more excuse for my gnarly feet.  I’ll be sending them my $10 plus $6.99 shipping and handling post-haste.

Note: I do not actually own a Ped Egg, nor is this a solicited, official, company-sponsered review of the Ped Egg.  But maybe the Ped Egg people SHOULD pay me for this review.  If they do, I'll vlog myself using the Ped Egg on my very own feet.  Now THAT would be an persuasive infomercial.


UPDATE: I am not really going to waste $17 on a Ped Egg.  I already own a cheese grater.

When Irregular Evacuation Has Nothing To Do With A Failed Fire Drill, And Everything To Do With Medical Quacks

Here’s the deal.  There’s a limit to what the average consumer feels comfortable buying, “As Seen On TV.”

Ginsu Knives:  Sure, why not?

Oxi-Clean: Can’t hurt.

Pajama Jeans:  Misguided, but ok.

 Smart Mop:  So long as you don’t actually use it as advertised, go for it.

 COLON FLOW:  Sounds good....wait, WHAT?

Yes, just when I thought I had nothing to blog about, this little gem appeared in the middle of my late-night tv viewing.

It’s like it was MADE for me .... to blog about.

Now, I’ll say from the outset that unhappy colons tend to run in the family, and I’m a big fan of anything labeled “Whole-Grain” or “Extra-Fiber.”  And water.  Water cures many an ailment.  And exercise.  I know, it’s crazy business.

But now?  Instead of all that healthy claptrap , I can just take a few capsules of Colon Flow!

Thanks to this, I can start chowing down on Wonder Bread dipped in milkshakes, 

with nary a thought towards my colon!

As I’ve noticed before, these “As Seen On TV” products often have more than one website.  Colon Flow is no exception.

As far as I can tell, this website http://www.colonflow.com/index.cfm, is purely informational.  As in, it will inform you that all that “fuzzy-thinking” you’ve been experiencing is probably due to irregular evacuation.

 And here I thought it was the booze....

This site also contains a handy Frequently Asked Questions page, where you can confirm that your order will show up on your credit card statement as: COLON FLOW.  You know, to avoid any confusion.  And to promote maximum shame.

You can even order a “free” 30-day trial of Colon Flow.  But, if you don’t need a 30 day trial of Colon Flow to know Colon Flow is right for you, you can go to a second site, http://www.calcompnutrition.com/colon-flow.html, to actually BUY Colon Flow.

This site also attempts to answer some FAQs about Colon Flow, and even provides you with a poorly-formatted page detailing the ingredients of Colon Flow. 

Science!

But I don’t need to read anything about the ingredients to know this:  If 3 smiling doctors and a buy 2 get 1 free offer are wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Trust us, we're models!

How Could I NOT Write About Pajama Jeans?!

Ever since I was a teenager, jeans have been the mainstay of my wardrobe.  I wear them everywhere.  Grocery store = jeans.  Office = jeans.  Party = jeans.  The only times I will not wear jeans are at court (something about the idea of competent representation) and weddings (something about not wanting to look like everybody’s redneck cousin.)

My love of jeans is buttressed by my love of yoga pants.  I wear yoga pants while cleaning, lounging around the house, and exercising - pretty much anywhere I can get away with not wearing jeans.

But, I also wear my yoga pants as pajamas.  And the longer I stay at home, the harder it is to walk the line between wearing yoga pants during the day, and just plain staying in my pajamas all day. 

Apparently I’m not the only one with this problem.

Enter....Pajama Jeans!!



Wow, it's jeans and yoga pants all in one!  I’d never have to change my pants again! And for only $39.95? How can I NOT buy these? 

But then....what if their website is internet version of buying jeans out of someone’s trunk? I’d better look for some reviews.

Oh look! Pajama Jeans thought of that too!  They created a website just for reviews of their product!  Annndddd...there’s one review.

Sara says: I don't even own a pair and already I think these are wonderful.WOW!!!”

Thanks Sara, but I feel like I need to get some more information.  I’ll click this link called “contact” to find out how to get in touch with a customer service representative.

Oh dear.  There is no customer service number.  There’s only a mysterious form email.  Who exactly am I contacting here? It probably doesn’t matter.  I’m sure Pajama Jeans, like God, are all-knowing and ever-present.

I guess that settles that.  I’ll just go get my credit card, and....

Wait a minute!  Why should I pay $39.95 for Pajama Jeans...

...When I can pay $59.99 for the same Pajama Jeans!!

Heyyyy.... Why should I buy Pajama Jeans at all when I can get a hooded sweatshirt that ends in footie pajamas?

No - wait -

SOLD!

Note: I am in no way affiliated with the fine folks at Pajama Jeans, even though I should be, because my giant ass would be a great testimony to the rugged durability of their dermasoft denim.  Their loss. 

Edited to add: I attempted to close the Pajama Jeans Review window, and was met with the following message: 

If I clicked "ok" I simply got the same message over and over.  So I clicked "cancel" and was led to...a blank page.  Stay classy, Pajama Jeans!

I’m No Cleaning Guru. But At Least I Know Better Than To Drink A Mopped-Up Soda

It’s been a long day.  I’ve been puked on, pooped on, yelled at, and then I stepped on a piece of cold, slimy, banana in my bare feet.

Which reminded me, either our carpet was made out of crushed Froot Loops, or I needed to clean.

I vacuumed, but then my children ate more Froot Loops.  I pretended not to see anything.

I also needed to mop.  I don’t have a mop.  We had one of those old-fashioned wring mops at some point in our lives, but it left us.

Screw this!

I’ve tried the Swiffer mop before, but the sprayers always miss the floor and I end up expending way too much energy trying to scrub stains out. I'm aware that I am the only person in the universe that has this problem.

You’re doing it wrong.

I like the old-fashioned wring-mops, but we don’t have a bucket either.  And I'm not buying a mop AND a bucket.  Not in this economy.

Then there was ... the Smart Mop.  

BEHOLD!!

Look, it’s made out of dead ShamWows! 

You can use it as an umbrella!

It picks up ketchup AND dog hair AT THE SAME TIME!

But then....

You can use the Smart Mop to wipe up a spilled soda, wring it out into an empty glass, and DRINK THE SODA.

I like soda.  Coke Zero and I go WAY back.  As a teenager, I used Sprite to hydrate after excersise, like some some sort of derranged butterfly who was also a lousy tennis player.

But I don’t think I should be drinking soda through a mop.  Or mop my floor with soda.  Or something.

I guess I'll have to buy that bucket after all.

Edited to add: I do not promote the Smart Mop, nor do I work for the Smart Mop people. I'm pretty sure the folks at Smart Mop don't know me.  If they did, that would be kind of creepy.  In any case, I think their product sends the wrong message to this nation's impressionable youth.  I shall write my local Congressman. 

This just in: Husband just informed me that in the infomercial they claim "If you've got wood, you'll love this!" Awesome.