What Is It With My Kids And Dogs, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A DOG!!!!

Preschooler has spent all day, every day, for the past month-and-a-half pretending she is a doggie. She crawls, pants, and whines. I have to address her as “little doggie” to convince her to do anything. For example, I might say, "Preschooler, go eat your lunch. It’s on the kitchen table."

Preschooler interprets this command as “Go eat your poison. It’s on the burning pyre of doom.”

But if I say, “Little doggie, go eat your doggie lunch at the doggie table,” she will smile and happily eat her lunch. Thank God she hasn’t started smashing her head into her cereal bowl in effort to also eat like a doggie.

It’s a win-lose situation. On one hand, indulging in he fantasy convinces her to do what I want. On the other hand, having to play the explicit role of “Mommy Doggie” for 45 days straight has slowly caused me to go insane.

Alas, Baby seems to think she is a doggie. She chews on the following items:

Not food.

Not food. Except for cannibals.

Not food. Also, pay your bills on time, lest they destroy your
everlasting soul with their oppressive glare of doom.

She plays with the dirty laundry, and gets into the wastebaskets. She literally sits on top of your feet while you try to pay bills, cook dinner, or write your autobiography. She steals toys from her sister, and immediately tears them up.

So which is worse - the child who knows she is only pretending to be a doggie and prefers it that way, or the child who possibly thinks she is a doggie and doesn’t understand she is a human child.

Thank god they’re cute. My kids that is. And dogs. But not my kids when they think they're dogs. Or something like that.