I'm Probably Not Going To Add "Parenting Expert" On My Resume

This week's Monday Listicle challenge was to offer your very best parenting advice.  Now, I'm no parenting expert.  Quite the opposite, sometimes I feel like I can do nothing right.  But here are some things I've learned over the years, albeit the hard way:

1) You can trick your kids into thinking a whole-wheat Ritz cracker is actually a cookie by explaining that cookies, like Oreos, Chips Ahoy, and ... uh ... Ritz are CIRCLES.  Crackers are squares.  Or occasionally triangles. Duh.

2) One day your child will only eat an apple if it’s cut up in slices.  The next day your child will only eat an apple if it’s the whole apple.  Either way, you’ll guess wrong.

3) If your child sees a commercial for a toy, and says, “I want that!” keep in mind that this is only theoretical.  Once she actually owns the toy she will discard it after one afternoon of play.  Also, it will probably break.  All this will make you swear multiple times under your breath.

4) Despite the disappointment mentioned in number three, your purchase will be redeemed when the younger sibling plays with the toy more than the original owner.  This is because your sister’s toys are always more interesting than your own toys.

5) If you leave any sort of important paperwork on your desk, it WILL become a coloring paper.  Also, coloring with mom’s highlighters is always preferred over coloring with regular markers.

6) All pants will become accidental capris after one month of wear.

7) Cleaning poop out of a potty chair is just as gross as a poopy diaper.

8) Your child’s favorite book will be the longest one on the bookshelf by default.

9) Don’t give your child your cell phone to play with.  They will break it and/or lose it and/or delete all your contacts.  Don’t ask me how I know this.

10) Despite your best intentions, there will come a day when a fruit roll-up constitutes a real serving of fruit.

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Thanks to Stasha and Cookie's Mom for the fun prompt!