For a number of reasons, and at times no reason at all, I'm on a depressive cycle. This next topic is highly personal. I debated whether to share it at all, but seeing as one reason I started this blog is to be transparent with my feelings, here it goes.
I want more children. In fact, Husband and I have been trying to have a third child.
For a year, we've been trying to have a third child.
It isn't working.
I never anticipated this.
All Husband had to do was look at me to get me pregnant the first two times. I was on the pill when I got pregnant with Preschooler. With Toddler there was just one time. One night of unprotected sex. That's it.
I thought I was a fertile-Myrtle.
If everything had gone according to my original plan, I wouldn't have even started having kids until just now. I wanted to establish my career first in my ongoing futile effort to be the MOST SUCCESSFUL PERSON EVER, so I could WIN AT LIFE. I always wondered why God gave me my two kids sooner than my plans. Now I know. At least I have two kids, who I love more than life itself. It would've devistated me to have fertility problems with my first two pregnancies.
And that leads to the guilt. The guilt I feel because I want more, and I'm very, very sad that it's not working. As if I don't really have a good reason to be sad, seeing as I already have two kids. As sad as I am about not having a third, each and every day I thank God for my first two kids. But it doesn't always take away from the sadness I feel for wanting more, and the subsequent guilt.
I think what it comes down to is that as a woman, I like to think I'm in charge of my fertility. That I can have as many kids as I want, and then stop having them when I choose.
But I guess that may not be a choice of mine to make.