Sunday, November 27, 2011

I'm Too Afraid And Guilt-Ridden To Give This Post A Witty, Concise Title.

For a number of reasons, and at times no reason at all, I'm on a depressive cycle.  This next topic is highly personal.  I debated whether to share it at all, but seeing as one reason I started this blog is to be transparent with my feelings, here it goes.

I want more children.  In fact, Husband and I have been trying to have a third child.

For a year, we've been trying to have a third child.

It isn't working.

I never anticipated this.

All Husband had to do was look at me to get me pregnant the first two times.  I was on the pill when I got pregnant with Preschooler.  With Toddler there was just one time.  One night of unprotected sex.  That's it.

I thought I was a fertile-Myrtle.

If everything had gone according to my original plan, I wouldn't have even started having kids until just now. I wanted to establish my career first in my ongoing futile effort to be the MOST SUCCESSFUL PERSON EVER, so I could WIN AT LIFE. I always wondered why God gave me my two kids sooner than my plans.  Now I know.  At least I have two kids, who I love more than life itself.   It would've devistated me to have fertility problems with my first two pregnancies.

And that leads to the guilt.  The guilt I feel because I want more, and I'm very, very sad that it's not working.  As if I don't really have a good reason to be sad, seeing as I already have two kids.  As sad as I am about not having a third, each and every day I thank God for my first two kids.  But it doesn't always take away from the sadness I feel for wanting more, and the subsequent guilt.

I think what it comes down to is that as a woman, I like to think I'm in charge of my fertility.  That I can have as many kids as I want, and then stop having them when I choose.

But I guess that may not be a choice of mine to make.

12 comments:

Janie Jones said...

I'm sorry for your pain and sadness. This must be a really hard time for you.

MamaMash said...

Yikes! I'm sorry. That's a rough place to be in. We tried forever it seems after the miscarriages. The whole sperm catching the egg thing is harder than you'd think when you're in your 30s.

Good luck, mama. Baby dust your way.

SarcasmInAction said...

I wish I had some profound words of support or wisdom for you....
All I can say is that I know, firmly believe and KNOW, that everything happens for a reason. There is a plan and someday you'll look back, holding your third child in your arms, and go, "oh. It was meant to be YOU. YOU'RE why we had to wait."

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Janie @MamaMash @SarcasminAction - thank you all for your understanding and support. Just writing and publishing this post has made me feel a little bit better and a little more hopeful.

jacqui said...

I agree with Miss Sarcasm. If and when it's meant to be, it'll be. And you'll understand later why things happened the way they did and when they did.

Your children are lucky to have a mom who loves them as much as you do!

Lindsay Schultz said...

I wish I had insight or wisdom. It sucks, doing everything right, and still getting the wrong answer every month.

Think of the money you'll save on birth control?

Sorry.

You know what's going to happen, right? You'll get pregnant right when your career is about to take off. Or maybe when you're 46.

Carmen said...

{{{HUGS}}}

bettyfokker said...

This stupid thing keeps eating my comments :0(

short version: I hope everything works out in the best possible way for you and your family

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Lindsay - The logical side of me knows that it will happen (if at all) when God knows it's the best for it to happen. The emotional side of myself begs to differ.

@Carmen @bettyfokker - thanks :)

Ixy said...

I'm feeling this pain. After getting pregnant on the very first try and sailing through a routine pregnancy, miscarrying my twins one a month apart has really thrown me.

And now, like you and others said, wondering if this is it. No matter how much I love my daughter and am thankful we have her, I'm still devastated at thinking maybe we won't ever need all the baby clothes we packed away, thinking we'd be taking them out again any day now.

For what it's worth, you're not alone - hugs.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Ixy - I'm really sorry for your loss. It helps to remember we're not alone.

Marianna Annadanna said...

I'm so sorry, I missed this post somehow. Don't worry hon. Everything will be ok. I've learned recently that life doesn't always work out how we want, or how we planned, (WINNING at life is MY thing!) it still works out. It'll be ok. And don't feel guilty. It's ok to feel sad. xo