Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I'll Shut Up About This Soon, I Promise

I’ve been somewhat depressed lately.  This isn’t new.  Allie Brosh from Hyperbole and a Half described depression pretty nicely in her recent post “Adventures In Depression”; depression rears its ugly head in an avalanche of self-loathing and depravation.  It makes it especially difficult for me to write, because most of my internal dialogue goes something like this:

My brain: I know! I’ll write about birds.

My depression: Birds are stupid.  You’re stupid.

My brain: Uhhh.... ok.  What about the fact that I’ve abandoned the gym in favor of climbing up and down the steps in my own home?

My depression: Whatever.  You’re fat.  

My brain: Oh.

My brain: I can’t think of anything anymore.  All my ideas have been snuffed-out by the cold, blowing, wind of self-criticism.

My depression: I told you so.

My brain: I could write about being depressed.

My depression: No one wants to listen to that, you whiner. 

My brain: Ok then.... I’ll just go stand in the corner....

It started back this summer when I went to the dentist.  I hadn’t been to the dentist in six or seven years, and was banking on some good stories to come out of my own oral negligence.  

Instead, it was... uneventful.  Apparently I have good (and boring) tooth genes.  I wrote a post about it, but didn’t really like it that much.

And ever since that, I’ve felt flat.  Boring.  Whiny.

Even writing this, I’m hard-pressed to squelch the voice of “why bother?”  Is this a writer thing? A depression thing? Or am I in a pity-party state of mind that I should just get over already?

Yet as wretched and stupid as I feel right now, I do know one thing: It could be so much worse.

Before we figured out that I had specifically bipolar depression, my depressive cycles were so much more devastating.  I ceased being able to work, take care of my children, and function in any sense.  The medication I now take every single day saved my life, continues to save my life.  

And just having written this is cathartic. At least it's better than keeping it secret and silent. I don’t know when, but I know it’s temporary, and I’ll get though it.  

Just as I have before.


chemgirljaime said...

I just had an appointment with a doc today to talk about my depression and anxiety.... I was given a sample of cipralex ... I'm not sure yet if I'm going to take it. I'm not sure how I feel about being medicated. I recognize that I need to do something. My internal dialogue was very similar to yours. I haven't written anything since my vagina power post.. I just ..can't.

maybe I should write about my depression as well... maybe it'll help.

thanks... for putting this out there... I like to know that I'm not alone.

Ixy said...

I wrote a nice long comment and then blogger ate it...omg grrr!! Here's the coles notes:

-ditto to everything you said
-yay for Allie putting it out there to her huge following
-so frustrating when even the feelings seem boring/flat, because writing can be a really good outlet
-although sometimes I just write anything, just to put it down (like today's post!)
-glad your meds are working for you - I stopped taking mine a month ago b/c they didn't seem to be working anymore.

Fox in the City said...

I for one am glad that are you writing as it lets me know where you are at.

I am so sorry that things have been tough lately . . . a rather long lately. I would like to tell you that things will get better very soon but I don't know that. I know that they will get better and I am so hoping that it is Very Very soon.

Until then, keep writing and letting us know how you are.

Thinking of you! ((hugs))

Lindsay Schultz said...

Don't shut up. We want to hear you.

Anonymous said...

It's like Shrek said, "Better out than in." And this is your place, so you say what you need to. We'll be here to listen.

Anonymous said...

I have depression ... my self-loathing gets to me when I point out I am anything other than ecstatic to live in safety, comfort, and security with a loving husband and healthy children.

Stupid brain chemicals.

Marianna Annadanna said...

My gosh, you are SO not alone. I've only written like 5 posts this month. BLAH.

You are totally allowed to feel crumby. Try not to judge yourself for it. You are so smart and strong and midndful, you WILL get through this. It WILL get better. Ease up.


Anonymous said...

Tis the season for bloggy burnout, fa la la la la....

I deal with these phases too. Knowing it will pass eventually helps you make it through.

Lizbeth said...

I think there is something about his time of year too. Sigh. Don't stop writing. Like others have said, it does help to have it out there and I'm always amazed at how many others are right there with me when I'm down and out. Hugs. Hugs.

Janie Jones said...

I have truly been enjoying your blog. Don't stop. And, I was totally impressed that after 7 years your trip to the dentist was uneventful. That's way funnier and much more impressive than the other way around.

Jessica said...

I completely understand what you're going through. I wish I had the courage to write about it. I started once, and actually posted it, but then took it down. Chicken! Not that anyone even reads mine, so I am not sure what I am worried about. :) But really, this is your blog, your readers don't mind, and I am glad writing about it helped you.

I remember that post by Allie. It was a perfect description for someone who doesn't really understand why we can't just be happy.