Wednesday, January 25, 2012

My Eyeballs Need Pajama Jeans

I clearly remember when I got my first pair of glasses.  I was in second grade.  When I put on those glasses and looked out the window, I was able to read the name of the elementary school across the street from the optometrist's office.  Actually, it was the first time I saw the words period.  Prior to, I had no idea there were words on the building at all.

Also, movies make a lot more sense when you can see what is going on.

So, wearing glasses is old hat to me, almost as old as I am.  At age 13 I got contact lenses. The contacts usually were not a problem.  I kept them clean, and had no problem putting them on or removing them.

Up until today.

I recently switched to a new contact-lens-cleaning process.  You put this hydrogen peroxide solution in a special case that has a bit of some metal in it. The hydrogen peroxide reacts with the metal in the case to create a lot of little bubbles that clean the lenses.  And while you wouldn't want to put hydrogen peroxide directly in your eyes, after an overnight soak, the hydrogen peroxide has used itself up, or rendered itself harmless or something.  SCIENCE!

Unlike regular saline solution, you don't want to get hydrogen peroxide in your eyes.  So the bottle is fitted with a red cap to remind you not to put it in your eye.  The cap is red per the understanding that the people using the hydrogen peroxide solution may not be able to read something that says "WARNING!  DO NOT PUT IN EYES" in anything less than 128 point font.

What the manufacturers didn't count on was my utter inability to register color or meaning in the depths of my morning fog.

Fumbling around for my saline solution to wet my lenses before putting them in, my hand came across the bottle of hydrogen peroxide solution.  I put a couple drops in my contact lens and then, plop!  Onto my eye it went.

To say it burned is an understatement.  It was as if my eyeball was engulfed in the smouldering flames of the furthermost chasms of Hell.  And once more, I was forced to ponder....

In my scramble to remove the offending lens from my eyeball, I succeeded in moving it, but not out of my eye.  To the back of my eyeball.  So I started poking myself in the eye in an effort to push the contact lens to the corner of my eye so I could get it out.   It went something like this:  Poke... AARRRGGHHH ... Poke poke ... AARRRGGHHH AARRRGGHHH ... Poke, poke, poke... AARRRGGHHH AARRRGGHHH AARRRGGHHH!!!!!!!

Finally, I resorted to rinsing my eye with water from the same cup we use to rinse after we brush our teeth.  Not the most sanitary eye rinse, but given that I just set my eyeball on fire and then proceeded to stab at it, germs were not really a fear of mine.  My fears centered around the very real possibility that my eyeball was going to burn a hole into my brain.

After several cold water rinses, I was able to rinse the lens out of my eye into the sink.  Huzzah!  I'll just pour this extra water out and.... oh crap!

I rinsed the contact lens down the drain.

So now I look like a victim of pink-eye or possibly some form of stigmata, or maybe I'm just high all the time, and I have to wear my glasses all day long until I can trek off to the optometrist for new lenses.  Seeing as usually wear my glasses only at night, it's the eyeball equivalent of staying in my pajamas all day long.

Is there a glasses-equivalent of Pajama Jeans?  Please say yes.


Fox in the City said...

Ouch! My eyes are burning just reading this.

I have reached the point that if I could afford lazer eye surgery I would go for it. I am tired of not being able to find my glasses because I am not wearing my glasses and I find contacts horribly uncomfortable.

As for pajama jeans . . . I am not even certain what those are.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Fox in the City - Pajama Jeans are these ridiculous stretchy pull-on jeans with no buttons or zippers. It's kind of a mix between yoga pants and jeans. I'm not a fan. For a further rant on Pajama Jeans, go to

Betty Fokker said...


Reminds me of the time I stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush.

Hope your eyeball feels better ASAP!!

Anonymous said...

I think the universe is just trying to tell you to get a nice pair of glasses.

Anonymous said...

Also, sorry about your eye.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Betty Fokker - thanks!

@Joshua - I have glasses. I'm not that fond of them, but I have them for emergencies such as this one.

Janie Jones said...

Oh, Angela. First, I am so sorry. Very, very sorry. That must have been excruciating. Second,............ second,............
Okay, second.......
Ahem. Excuse me it just took me three tries to finish laughing, wiping the tears from my eyes and changing clothes after peeing myself from laughing so hard before I could finish this comment. Not that it will help much now, but I keep my red capped contact solutions in a different cabinet just because I'm petrified of someone finding out I'd done the same thing and laugh as hard at me as I just did at you. Lovely rendering by the way. It does an awesome job of conveying misery, distress and, well, making me laugh till I pee.

Seriously though, and I am now mistress of myself enough to say with a perfectly straight face and all due sincerity, I am sorry. I hope your eye is better.

my honest answer said...

Oh my god, this sounds like the most painful thing ever. You should be in pajamas all day for having to live through that!

jacqui said...

I kept yelling at you not to put them in while I was reading the story. But you wouldn't listen.

Probably because I was yelling at past Angela and not present Angela. You'd probably listen to me now.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Janie - glad my pain gives you so much joy :)

@my honest answer - I'll use just about any excuse to stay in my pajamas all day

@jacqui - present Angela is all ears.

Handflapper said...

Laser surgery. Look into it. Totally worth it.

Marianna Annadanna said...

Ah! This is so upsetting! I JUST got contacts two weeks ago for the very first time ever. Thanks?!?!

Also, you are hilarious.