It’s come to my attention that my blog posts have been infrequent as of late. This is because I am doing fewer stupid things.
I haven’t lost my van or broken my toe. I haven’t fallen down an up escalator. I haven’t picked up and discarded any new hobbies. I haven’t had any kitchen mishaps or baking failures. In fact, I successfully baked several types of Christmas cookies this year. Take that, former me!
In contrast, here is an average day in my life...
6:00 Alarm clock goes off. I yell at it, turn it off, and go back to sleep
6:05 My kids wake up. Who needs an alarm clock?
6:10 Drink three cups of coffee. Now I’m able to see again.
7:30 Skip taking a shower. I’m not leaving the house today. You’re lucky I got dressed.
8:00 Toddler sits on the potty, albeit with her pants still on. I make a big fat deal about it anyways.
8:30 Clean kitchen. For every one dish I put in the dishwasher, Toddler takes two out.
9:00 Read Toddler and Preschooler the world’s dumbest Disney princess book. Three times. They cry for more, more, MORE. I go slightly insane.
9:30 Clean toy room. For every one toy I put away, Toddler takes two out. I’m sensing a pattern here.
10:00 Tell Toddler, “It’s time to sit on the potty!” Toddler pitches a fit. I just love potty training.
10:30 Get a bloody nose. Stupid sinus infection.
11:00 Serve ravioli for lunch. Preschooler complains she doesn’t like it, but cleans her plate anyways. Hypocrite.
11:15 Toddler decides to eat ravioli using her face.
11:25 Impromptu bath. Preschooler cries because I filled the tub with too much water. I drain some water. Toddler cries because there is not enough water. Go more insane.
11:35 Get Toddler out of the bath. Realize I forgot to bring a clean diaper upstairs. Leave a dripping wet Toddler upstairs while I rush to get a diaper. MOTHER OF THE YEAR.
11:40 Get another nosebleed. Clearly I’ve developed nose cancer.
1:00 Finally get around to taking that shower while the kids nap. The sound of the shower wakes them up. Dammit!
2:00 Give Preschooler some grapes.
2:15 Give Preschooler some crackers
2:30 Give Preschooler some cheese. That hollow leg of hers must be full by now.
3:00 Set Preschooler and Toddler up with an art project involving glue and sequins.
3:10 Vacuum approximately 19,403 sequins off of the floor.
3:15 Remove several sequins from Toddler’s nose.
4:30 Crazy time begins. Kids start their daily whine-fest. By this point in the day we’re all rather tired of looking at each other. How much longer till Husband gets home?
5:00 Make dinner while two screaming children cling to my pants leg. This should be some sort of olympic sport. I deserve a medal.
5:30 Eat dinner. Preschooler takes three bites and claims she’s done. Toddler decides she only needs to look at her food tonight, and take in all nutrition via telepathy.
6:00 Grocery shopping with children in tow. They really like to “help.”
7:30 Bedtime for the wee ones.
8:15 Workout time for Husband and I. No that’s not a euphemism for sexy time. We’re actually exercising. It’s a far cry from my previous 8:15 routine of eating a bag of Fritos in front of the TV.
9:30 Sneak into my kids’ room to watch them sleep. Best part of my day.
So, there you have it. A day in my life.
Also, we have mice in our house. More on that another time.