I learned to read because I was constipated.
Let me back up.
When I was three or four I was often constipated, which meant having to sit on the toilet for quite a long time. My mother kept a basket of books by the toilet to entertain me during these spells.
I also watched a lot of Sesame Street. Hey, it was either that or Days of Our Lives.
One day I finally put two and two together, and taught myself to read. While sitting on the toilet. Trying to poop.
I’m not sure whether this is a matter of pride, or embarrassment.