Monday, May 16, 2011

In Which I Reveal Myself To Be A Horrible Fiction Writer And Also A Dirty Whore.

I caught an STD from the internet.  But not the kind that results in a disturbing burning sensation.  A Sexy And Talented Diploma!

Do these people really know me?

Thanks, Handflapper!

Anyhow, as usual there are a few hoops to jump through before I can accept.

1. Make up ONE totally ridiculous story about yourself that is a complete rip-off from a movie. It can be as long or short as you want; clean or crass as you want.

2. Pass it on to whomever you feel is deserving of this STD – or accept it and keep it for yourself; it’s your blog – it’s your choice. I’M PRO CHOICE!

3. If you choose to accept this STD, please link your acceptance post back to the blog of the one who created this esteemed award, Lady Estrogen!  She will be sporadically choosing random winners to get some of her world famous mediocre Estro-goodies.  You know you want some.

First things first, I'd like to pass this on to... any of my followers who think it would be fun to insert themselves into a movie of their choice.  I'm all about sharing STDS.

Now, I’m no fiction writer.  But I want to be popular.  So, per the award’s directions, I went ahead and wrote myself into a story that is a complete rip-off of a movie.  Go ahead, guess which one....

.... I was spending the night at my friend Tina’s house, and after sneaking a couple of her mom’s Bartles & Jaymes, she passed out.  Girlfriend can’t hold her liquor.  Not one hour later, she bolts awake babbling about some dream.  She dreamed some dude with a gnarly face, wearing one glove sporting razor-sharp knives on each finger, was chasing her. RIGHT.

The next day at school, Tina is still rambling about her dream starring that Michael Jackson wannabe with bad fashion sense, this time stating that come morning, her nightgown was slashed through.  Nancy gets caught up in her story, claiming she had the exact same dream.  But then realizing how ridiculous this sounds, she determines it’s no big deal.

However, I decide that, along with Nancy and her boyfriend (who in the right light resembles an oddly sexy pirate), we should have another sleep-over at Tina’s house to make her feel better.  It doesn’t hurt that Tina’s parents are  out for the night and are rather lax at minding the contents of their liquor cabinets.  Naturally, Tina’s dumbass boyfriend Rod crashes the party.  At some point, Tina and Rod head into her parents’ room NOT to fornicate, I’M SURE, and Tina falls asleep.  A few hours pass, when we are startled awake by Tina and Rod screaming, and not the fun kind of screaming we thought they were engaged in.  We rush to their room to find Tina shredded to ribbons, and Rod, who had nothing to do with this OR SO HE SAYS high-tailing it out the bedroom window.

Rod is caught, and though he claims it was the razor-finger man that killed his girlfriend, he is thrown in the insane asylum jail.  Nevertheless, Nancy continues dreaming about that same dude Tina dreamed about, and is freaked out enough to think Tina was actually killed by him and not by Rod, which is a totally legit thought for some one who is kind of an attention-whore.  Finally, after suffering yet another dream, Nancy, her boyfriend, and I rush to visit Rod in jail, only to find him hung by his own bedsheets.

Nancy’s mom determines Nancy just needs a good night’s sleep, and ships her off to a dream therapy clinic.  But Nancy returns from the clinic with nothing but a cut on her arm (which wasn’t self-inflicted, OF COURSE), and an ugly hat.  Displaying a remarkable amount of parental concern, Nancy’s mom is mostly disturbed by the hat.

Later, Nancy and I watch her mom get drunk, and her mom contends the owner of the hat, and the killer, was a man named Krueger,  a murderer who killed at least twenty children over a decade earlier. The children’s parents determine mob rule is the best way to handle the situation, and burn Freddy alive in a boiler room.  While it appears that he is now murdering more children from beyond the grave, Nancy’s mom insists this is probably not a big deal, and inexplicably produces the killer’s glove.

That night, Nancy’s boyfriend and I spend the night at Nancy’s.  These sleepovers are really starting to be kind of a downer. Unfortunately, Nancy’s  boyfriend is killed, presumably by his bed that just spit out his bloody, mutilated body in tiny bits all over the room.  Nancy, however, realizes the bed is probably not the real culprit, finds Krueger in her house, sets him on fire, and gets the police.  In a hunt for the killer, they find him smothering Nancy’s mom with his burning body, and she dies.  Despite summoning the police, Nancy asks them to leave, and deciding that a couple dead people are not a big deal, they agree.

Nancy then has another dream, or maybe it’s real life, because this time I actually witness the killer and her engaging in various tussles.  The police, realizing dead people probably ARE of interest to them, return.  But it turns out all Nancy had to do to end the mayhem is admit it’s just a dream and ask for her friends and mom back.  WHO KNEW?

Anyhow, now that everything’s remarkably back to normal, I’m sure nothing of this sort will ever happen again.



Handflapper said...

You so can too write fiction.

Holy crapola, that movie scared the shit out of me. IF YOU'RE IN BED WITH ALL YOUR BODY PARTS COVERED WITH BLANKETS THE BOOGEY MAN CAN'T GET YOU. It's a rule. Fucking Wes Craven needs to play right.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Handflapper - I was exposed to a remarkable amount of slasher-flicks as a youth, and have now built up a serious tolerance. Except for Blair Witch Project. That just made me nauseous.

Fox in the City said...

I am far too easily scared to watch slasher movies, even if they are rather predicable. What can I say, I have an overactive imagination.

Lady Estrogen said...

Whatever you do, don't fall asleep! I'll be singing Old School Will Smith all day now. HAHA.

Thanks for linking up your STD :)

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Fox in the City - What about "The Shining"? To me that one is as hilarious as it is scarey. Or at least The Simpson's version is.

@Lady Estrogen - this was a fun assignment! I hope more people join in.

Fox in the City said...

Angela, I can manage to scare myself silly in movies that are not suppose to be scarey. I had to stop watching Paranormal Activity because I knew I would never be able to get up at night all alone again if I finished it! I am a wimp.

Marianna Annadanna said...

I'm gonna have nightmares now!

Anonymous said...

Does pregnancy count as an STD?

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Marianna Annadanna - Oh dear, I didn't mean to freak people out! I think I forgot that not every one is as cavalier about slasher films as I am.

@Bettyfokker - well, you do get it by sleeping around...

I'm Just Sayin said...

bahaha. This is kind of awesome. I think you did pretty well leaping into fiction writing.

Suniverse said...

That was Ghandi, right?

Nice job.