Looking back on my life, it has become apparent that I probably never should’ve survived to adulthood. Observe:
I was born two months premature, and extremely low birthweight. I could have all sorts of debilitating health problems, but I don’t. Actually I do. I’m allergic to everything, and my big toe itches. Also, I think a fly just landed on me.
When I was a youth, we used to play smack-dab in the middle of the street for hours at a time, with the impression we'd just dodge any approaching cars. Fortunately, cars rarely ever came (it was a very secluded cul-de-sac.)
When I was seven, I wanted to reach something on the top shelf of the closet in my toy room. So I pushed the child-sized table over to the closet, and stood on top of it, but I couldn’t reach. So I put one of the child-sized chairs on top of the table and stood on that, but I still couldn’t reach. So I put a second child-sized chair on top of the first child-sized chair. Don’t ask me how I accomplished this. I then stood on the second chair, fell off the whole contraption, and sprained my arm.
When I was 10 or so I had a heart-shaped “mood necklace.” One day, I took the pendant off the chain and placed it on my tongue, so I could see what color it would change to. I then promptly swallowed the pendant.
So as you see, through some act of divine providence I’m still alive and kicking, enabling you all to read this ridiculous blog.
You’re welcome!
19 comments:
I have survived so many traumas and murder attempts in my childhood, I'm pretty sure I'm on borrowed time.
My mom once fed me from a warped home-canned jar of pickles to see if "it was okay." I am STILL trying to explain to her that it qualified as an assassination attempt.
When I was little growing up in a small town we were bored all the time. Once we were done with T-ball and chasing the DickieDee (icecream cart), we often played ON THE TRAIN TRACKS. Yes. We put pennies on them, and sat close to them when the trains flew by, and through rocks at the train cars. AWESOME.
@Laura - It is a testament to your inner strength that you can fondly look back on childhood murder attempts.
@bettyfokker - death-by-pickle is probably not as much fun as it sounds.
@Marianna Annadanna - what's the point of living on the wrong side of the tracks (or the right side, I suppose) if you can't have some fun at the railroad's expense?!
We always enjoyed getting as high on the swings as possible and then, at the very top, jumping off to see how far we could fly through the air. Looking back through my "adult" eyes I cannot believe we didn't break anything!
Jenn
@Jenn - I agree, looking back it seems like we all should've been walking around with casts on our arms and legs, at least once!
I was a very cautious child, mainly because I had plenty of other people in my life trying to kill me. My father hit me in the face with a softball when I was six (SOFTball? biggest misnomer ever), my brothers regularly chased me with knives and hatchets, and my mother lost me in a department store when I was four (I still remember the crestfallen look on her face when the store clerk asked her, "Is this your child?").
It must be divine providence...I don't see what else could explain it.
@Handflapper - I never understood why softball was considered a "safe" alternative to baseball. Baseball = there is a small projectile hurtling towards the vicinity of my body. Softball = there is a LARGE projectile hurtling towards the vicinity of my body. Something doesn't add up.
@jacqui - It sounds like every one does stupid and/or dangerous things as kids, yet somehow we all pull through!
My brother used to chase me around the house with a small knife. He also placed a large pillow on top of me and sat on it. I'm still here. I think it's divine providence that we still live. Maybe I'm meant to exact revenge.
Thanks for linking up to lovelinks.
@Alison - I think you're onto something with this revenge thing :) Also, lovelinks is an awesome project. I'm really enjoying discovering some really great writers out there. Can I say "really" once more in this comment? Apparently I just did. Now I can rest easy.
I may be up to about 7 near-death experiences, but my 2nd most memorable is my brother closing me up in the pull-out sofa. I couldn't breathe enough to tell him I couldn't breathe. I think he let me out when he got bored with the game.
We were home by ourselves during the summer months, FYI.
@Erica M - Imagine what would happen if we left our children home alone during the summer, while we worked all day! Also, I'm pretty sure that 7 near-death experiences means you have lived a pretty awesome life so far!
my mom told me that when I was about 3 I wanted something off a high shelf and proceeded to stack a very impressive tower of chairs, boxes, toys, baskets, etc to get what I wanted. I'm surprised I didn't kill myself :P
That's awesome. When I was 4 I stuck a metal barrette in a light socket. I should have been electrocuted, but some greater power wanted me to stay on Earth to torment my parents.
@Carrie - never underestimate a 3-year-old's ability to climb to the top of anything!
@Suitcase - LOL!
I'm still waiting for the surprizes to turn up from us all chasing the mosquito control truck as a children.
That just means you're so awesome, the universe wants to keep you! ;) I can relate, though. Not that I'm saying I'm awesome, too, but I was accident-prone. Hit by a car at 4, had hemorrhagic fever at 6, crashed into a glass door at 9 (broke the whole door), but still alive and kicking, and with only one scar to show for everything.
@Mom of the Perpetually Grounded - mosquito control truck?! Awesome.
@The Reason You Come - Good gracious! You're like a cat (albeit you still probably have 6 or so lives left).
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