Tuesday, June 14, 2011

This Post Is An Exercise In Self-Indulgence. It Is Also About Pudding-Pops.

I write.  I've filled a myriad of one-subject notebooks, journaling about being depressed, being manic, being lonely, being afraid.  I've taken some of this frenzied journaling out of the dark and imposed it on a mostly bored public.  

But I can't write when I'm angry.  Not publicly. Not privately. Not at all.  

Actually, I can write but all that comes out is, "OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS I CAN'T EVEN GAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!"  

Seriously, my brain stutters.  

The thing is, the thing that I still struggle with after too many years of therapy is that I don't allow myself to feel angry.  What I allow myself to feel is:

I'm angry!

Crap! I can't be angry!

I have nothing to be angry about.  EVER.

Because people who are angry are not happy.

And I can't let people know I'm not happy.

I might hurt their feelings.

They might think less of me.

Because I'm not happy.

And I'm supposed to be happy.  ALWAYS.

And now my therapist is a millionaire.

So I'll never be able to send my kids to college.

You're on your own, kids!

And don't get me wrong, I know.  I know it's unrealistic to expect myself to be happy all the time.  That it's ok to feel angry, every one feels angry sometimes.  No one expects me to be happy all the time, just as I don't expect others to be happy all the time.  That in expecting myself to always be happy, I set the bar for myself so impossibly high that Superwoman would never reach it.

But all of that logic doesn't stop me from hurling myself back down that shame-spiral time and time again.

FYI: I'm not particularly angry about anything. I just wanted to explore my hang-ups about being angry while I'm in a relatively stable state of mind.  And you get to read it!  Lucky you?

Ok, fine, I'll get angry about something.  Growing up I ate Jello Pudding-Pops all summer long, and then they stopped making them.  Now they make them again, but they're not the same.  If the same thing happens to Nacho Cheese Doritos and Clue (board game AND movie) I'm going back and getting a new childhood.



SarcasmInAction said...

I have never in my life eaten a Jello Pudding pop.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@SarcasminAction - Good lord, woman! They're like a fudgesicle only 1000 times better.

Lindsay Schultz @sayschu said...

Adding another perspective: When I'm angry I do show it, and it is SO ANNOYING having to hear the same stream of questions from husband. "Are you okay?" "Is something wrong?" "Why are you mad at me?" Uuuggghhh. Why can't I be allowed just to be unhappy periodically without having to hash it out?

Fox in the City said...

Bwhahah @sayschu it sounds like you guys have reversed the stereotypes in your household!

I suck at expressing anger in a good way. I usually just bitch and make the lives of those around suck until I am over it. I suppose I should probably work on that but eh, I am lacking the motivation.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Sayschu - Sometimes I just want to stew in my own anger instead of hashing it out too.

@FoxintheCity - Is there a good way to be angry? I haven't figured it out yet.

Carmen said...

hmmm... what's stopping you from making your own jello pudding pops? Seems simple enough. Buy Jello. Freeze.

In other news, I am totally trying this tonight

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Carmen - I'm pretty sure the original formuls included something like rainbows in it because they were JUST THAT GOOD. That being said, I'm totally going to freeze some pudding tonight.

Betty Fokker said...


I have no problem with expressing anger. Quite the opposite in fact. My temper, although slow to kindle, is legendary.

Let me know if you want any lessons :0)

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Betty Fokker - I will totally take you up on those temper lessons. It's for the best. I think.

Marianna Annadanna said...

I'm with Betty. My temper can be problematic. My issue is the guilt and self-hate that comes aftarword.

I've also never had a pudding pop. add it to the list for the cheesy blogger conference.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

@Cheese AND beer AND pudding-pops? Best conference EVER!