This Is Why I’m Not Allowed To Write Articles For Cosmo

In honor of the fact that summer is a mere twenty days away, I'm offering up my top ten tips on staying safe and sane over the next 12 weeks.

1. If you are as pasty-white as I am, go ahead and use that extra-powerful SPF5 sunscreen.  Red is a good color on you.
2. Everyone looks good in a thong.  Even your grandparents. ESPECIALLY your grandparents.
3. When you go to the beach, don’t worry about the rain.  Just bring an extra-big beach umbrella.  If the rain turns into a lightning storm, go ahead and plant that giant umbrella under a tree.  You’ll be sure to stay dry.
4. Bottle rockets are always a good idea.
5. Alcohol + bottle rockets is a BETTER idea.
6. Wear flip-flops to work.  The sound of your shoes flapping on the floor as you travel to the mail room will only demonstrate how proactive you are.
7. Home-made potato salad tastes extra-delicious if you leave it in the sun for a few hours. Your guests will thank you.
8. Hold your next family reunion at a nude beach.  First case scenario, no one shows up out of sheer embarrassment.  Second case scenario, people drink a ton of beer in hopes of erasing the memory of this event, or at least going blind.  Either way, you win.
9. There’s no shame in wearing socks with sandals.
10. Crap!  You mean I have to think of one more thing?  I can’t work under all this pressure.  You’ll take your nine pieces of advice, and you’ll like them.

This post was inspired by Mama Kat’s writing prompt: Top 10 Summer Don’ts.

 I’m all outta ideas.

Yes, I know I actually wrote a list of summer Do’s.  I’m a rebel that way.