I Have A Thriving Relationship With Dead Squirrels

Growing up, one of my neighbors kept a large amount of taxidermied squirrels in their living room.  The squirrels' constant unnerving presence probably had something to do with why I subconsciously pushed their daughter off the swings, and ran away.  I probably knew all those squirrels would claw my eyes out if I returned to her house. 

 

We know what you did...

Fortunately, the neighbors moved when I was 7 and were replaced with Best Friend, whose family not only had ZERO taxidermied animals, but who also had a Rainbow Brite bedspread and accessories, immediately catapulting her to the status of coolest kid EVER.

When I was in high school, I met the big game of dead animals while visiting family friends of my high school boyfriend.  Seriously, the guy was a big game hunter.  I’m pretty sure he looked like this:

Entering their den was like going to dead Africa.  There were bear-skin rugs, side tables made of elephant feet, antelope heads and probably one of the ubiquitous squirrels.  But it would’ve been an African squirrel, naturally.

Later on, in college, I worked in the lodge of a local state park. There was a badger, raccoon, deer head, several hawks, and again more squirrels displayed throughout the lodge.  I worked second shift, and once things slowed down one of my duties was to grab a ladder and a feather duster and...dust the animals.  Seriously, they were dust magnets.

Long story short, I’m pretty unfazed by dead animals at this point in my life.  But then I watched this:

Close your eyes for a moment, and imagine:

You wake up in the morning.....Yawn.....need coffee.  You go to make your coffee and what’s in the coffee bin.....a giant preserved tarantula?!  DAMMIT. 

Surprise!

This continues throughout the day


Shower = Dung Beetle.

 

Surprise!

Opening mail = Locust.

Surprise!

Happy hour = Giant Moth. 

Surprise!

By the time Pajamas = Africanized Honey Bee, I don’t know about you, but I’d be feeling kind of stabby.

However, according to this guy, all of that would make for one fun day, indeed.

I beg to differ, but maybe it’s just me.

Because unlike my thriving relationship with dead squirrels, my relationship with insects is lukewarm at best.

*Note: I’m aware that the adjective forms of taxidermy are both taxidermal or taxidermic.  But I prefer taxidermied.  Because in my world, taxidermy is a verb as well as a noun. For example, “Who would like to taxidermy this dead opossum? Any takers?”